I could think of a long list of more things that I would’ve loved to have written about this evening, or even accomplished, but they have been put on a temporary hiatus because I felt compelled to share my day with you.
The first draft of this collection of words comes from my shiny new notebook (a gift from James) inscribed by a hotel pen. Just one of the little daily reminders of the places I have been, and how lucky I am to have visited so many hotels, to accrue so many pens! My life is peppered with hotel pens. In my office, in the car, in the kitchen drawers and even my bedside table. As I wrote this, my laptop was dead and James was using our only charger on his laptop that he’s working off. Someone chewed mine, thanks Remy!
Today wasn’t the best day. I felt overwhelmed. Not necessarily anxious, but just overwhelmed by work, exercising, the prospect of cooking dinner, being a bad dog owner, sleeping through my alarm, cancelling my appointment to give blood, running errands, seeing family, the toxicity of the toaster (I kid you not) and about 20 other details of minutia that I usually wouldn’t give much thought to, but for some reason, I did today.
I spent the best part of my day feeling like I couldn’t keep my head above water. Work finished, I ran my errands (which included collecting washing that my mum had done for us- thanks mum), did some housework and went to F45. I couldn’t be bothered, but my friends were going and in hindsight I am so glad I went. They made me laugh, I lifted heavy weights, and as a result, my heart felt lighter.
I shared how I felt with those around me (James, my parents, my friends). My mum sent me motivational quotes throughout the day, both parents called me and James was consistent and helpful. My friends validated my feelings and were understanding. I am lucky.
Typically, I don’t often feel overwhelmed. Or perhaps I do, more than I realise. The point is, I felt so intrinsically guilty this morning for reasons I couldn’t rationalise, but felt anyway. I asked James if he thought I suffered from anxiety. Everyone does to some extent, and I wanted to hear his answer. He said yes, but only about certain topics, and doesn’t everyone? He’s right. So here are the topics that make me feel a little panicky:
- The house being clean vs. it feeling clean to me
- Certain events
- Every second person asking when we’ll get engaged!
By the way, none of these were playing on my mind today, but I still felt discombobulated.
Let’s be clear: by most people’s standards, our home is clean. Spotless, even. Yet by my own impeccable standards, there is always something else that could be done. I truthfully don’t know when we’ll get engaged- and if I did, everyone would know because it would have already happened, because I would want it to be a surprise! I have no clue. It’s something that is between us, and something that drunk people at barbecues have no business in asking about!
Yes, sometimes I get nervous before big events. Particularly with family. Maybe it’s the sudden, rapid-fire questioning of my marital status, or maybe I just feel burdened by expectations from myself and others. Either way, it’s not all the time, but it’s also not never.
My point is, no one is perfect and no one is happy all day every day. I’m not perfect and I’m not happy 100% of the day, but I am always happy at some point in the day and that’s what I am focusing on.
So, back to today. I had a good work out, my body feels tired, my belly is full and so is my heart. I’m relaxing in bed early. I’ve made changes to my routine in order to sleep/ ritualise my mornings more, and I am grateful for my circumstances that allow me to do so. I am lucky to be gifted with the presence of supportive people in my life, and I am learning to be more kind to myself each and every day.
This post has nothing to do with travel, aviation or holidays, but it has been a day in my life that I felt compelled to share.
Here is my list of reminders for myself when I feel flat:
- Share my feelings
- Get moving
- Spend time with loved ones/Remy
- Have a cup of tea while journalling
- Design a life I love!
If you’re still reading- thank you!
I hope your today is as great as I hope my tomorrow to be!